walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
