I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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