I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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