My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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