i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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