I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
