we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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