Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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