I am in a vortex of obligation.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
