Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I think I won the penis lottery.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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