The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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