So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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