Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
