We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
