we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
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She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
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I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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