I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
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