No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
