I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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