if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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