I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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