you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
