R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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