i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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