Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
