thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I am full of burrito and curiosity
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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