You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
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I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
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Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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