made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
