Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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