Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
