$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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