What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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