im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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