There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
