life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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