I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
