I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
