If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
