I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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