i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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