I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
