??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
