Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
