remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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