i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
