After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
