Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
