Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
