My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
