Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
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You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
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My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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