I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
