Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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