All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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