why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
