Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
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Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
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What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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