you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Randomize
